In addition, Philip Chard writes, “. . . change, even if self-initiated, evokes a great demand from within one’s self to stay the same. While change isn’t always painful, it usually does require giving up something we now have in favor of gaining something we don’t. Often, those who do fundamentally change their lives are compelled to do so by adverse circumstances (divorce, illness, job loss) or undergo a life changing experience, usually spiritual in nature."
Suffering, pain and illness are vehicles for enlightenment and can open us to the healing power of grace. In the tape series by Ram Dass entitled "The Listening Heart," he claims the root of all suffering is ignorance about dharma – our mission and path in life. He claims, “Suffering becomes aversive so we want to keep our distance. We are afraid we will drown in a sea of pain that will be unbearable. The fact is, you have to. If you close down your heart to anything, it’s got you! In other words, until we stop denying the reality of death and its components, it inevitably possesses us.
When we alternate between the need to face the loss and the desire to avoid pain, we may anesthetize our experience with food, work, sex, excessive drinking, television or shopping –anything to fill the void, numb the pain, deny the impact of our loss.
Gary Zukov in The Seat of the Soul, speaks to addictions as being a way for us to prevent ourselves from feeling. “Addiction, he says, is a spiritual opportunity –something you have come to this Earth to heal. The common thread of addiction is a longing for power in order to feel good, feel lovable, feel accepted, to feel worthy about being alive.” Combine an already existing addiction with a grave loss, and one can find one’s self out of control. Ultimately, you can be freed from the emotional numbing of denial into rebirth of a new, more authentic life.
Loss or fear or pain turns our journey into an initiation and higher level of being. The journey itself is about exploring the great mysteries of life –birth, creation, death and rebirth. The initiation process can come as quite a shock since many of us do not consciously choose radical initiations. A sudden awareness of mortality hastened by the death of a parent, partner or child inundates us with a sense of powerlessness, a crumbling of our very identity and base of security in life. Humbled, wounded, defenseless, we are actually opening the door to encounter our deeper selves to experience new realities. These mysteries cannot be rationalized away through the human intellect.
When we are feeling powerless, we also tend to justify not taking responsibility or accepting the
consequences for our thoughts, words or actions. On a soul level, we are being asked to release our
pain and surrender to our higher selves and allow wisdom to come through us. Surrender is not
giving up, nor does it represent defeat. Surrender enables us to let go of circumstances beyond our
control. And letting go can be changing our perception or understanding of a situation. We cannot
control the outcome of certain events nor can we do away with injustice or pain. The reality of loss
and change will remain the same regardless if our decision is to become flexible or if we choose to cling to the ways in which life existed before. In surrender, we can transcend our ego, release limiting
patterns and beliefs into a new rhythm of life.
If you have dismissed working on your grieving process over past losses, a trigger (such as a glance from a stranger, a scent of familiar cologne, a song on the radio) will guide you to re-experience
painful emotions associated with many losses you have experienced to date. This explains how
grief can be cumulative. Since the only way out of it through it, consider being a student of the
grieving process so that the feelings connected with your losses become less intense and your
healing ensues. My acronym for the letters in the word, Grief is: Gaining Realizations Into
Effective Feelings. Then you will then be able to incorporate changes by including new friends and
new activities into your future. You can discover a new set of values, strength and wisdom because you chose to allow yourself to fully grieve and accept what is unfolding.
What is most appropriate to our sorrow are our tears, built-in mechanisms designed to help us enjoy
better health. William Shakespeare wrote, "To weep is to make less the depth of grief." In "Have a Good Cry," an article by Victor Parachin, it states, "Tears, it seems, reduce tensions, remove toxins,
and increase the body's ability to heal itself. Emotional tears contain more beta-endorphins, some
of our bodies' natural pan relievers and protein. Laughter and tears are two inherently natural
medicines."
Your wounds can definitely be turned into wisdom when your appreciation for all of life's
encounters is acknowledged. Because of your courage, you may be able to assist others in their
processes as well. Remarkable gifts abound from within at this particular stage and can be a time of rejoicing, thereby fulfilling the initiations of birth, creation, death and rebirth.
Veronica K. Chilton, as an interdenominational minister/grief counselor, keynote speaker and author of soon to be published two-part memoir and handbook.
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